President of african country promises not to run for a sixteenth term

 

Djondo Faur bubuzzela Ignassio  Da Silvera Gbagbadji Odimba , the president of the recently renamed ‘Extraordinarily Democratic  and Meritocratic People’s Republic of Tungunikwa (EDMPRT), has promised not to run for a sixteenth term after citizens of Tungunikwa have organised violent protests to oppose his re-election bid for a fourth Term. Djondo Faur bubuzzela Ignassio  Da Silvera Gbagbadji Odimba ,affectionately  known as ‘Ping’, addressed his loyal supporters at a campaign rally to announce the news.

“I Djondo Faure Bubuzzela have listened to the demands of the people of Tungunikwa, and I understand them. As such, I promise not to seek a sixteenth term after I win the next thirteen elections.”

  

  Ping  has ruled the country since it’s independence in 1985 and is now ninety-eight. Opposition members claim that during this time he has stifled dissent, imprisoned opposition lawmakers and led a campaign of brutal murders and intimidation against his political rivals.  Ping has established a crony capitalist state where a handful of loyalists are rewarded with juicy business contracts and senior appointments, whilst opponents of Ping are persecuted.

  “I was told to be very careful, because the government had hired some hitmen to assassinate me,” says Pierre Eric Amouzou Ogonimya Adanlete Oyosu, affectionately known as ,’Boris’  an ex-prime minister in Ping’s third government, before becoming a vocal critic of the president. “I went home to find this man I had never seen before, claiming to be my new cook. My suspicions grew when ,looking for some washing detergent, I found my real cook’s corpse in the cupboard under the kitchen sink, a knife handle sticking out of his chest.  Needless to say I refused to take anything this cook offered me especially because he insisted on serving me the exact same dish of chicken and fried yam every day.  He had been pressuring me to eat this four day old meal, morning, lunch and dinner. Last Tuesday I came home late ,on purpose, and he must have forgotten he had poisoned the food because he apparently fed himself some fried yam." Mr. Boris's  neighbours rang the police when they heard a man give a grisly shout of “ D$&T  B #$&  $@#!!!!”Arriving on the scene, the policemen found the man dead on the kitchen floor looking as though he had been kissed by a dementor breaking a hundred year fast.

The international community has, as usual, ‘strongly condemned’ this blatant attempt to hold onto power, with the Americans expected to ‘roundly condemn,’ the move  as soon as their secretary of state has finished his dinner. Additionally, a smattering of European nations are expected to ‘express their deep concerns’ regarding the situation as soon as their foreign ministers finish watching the latest episode of the Voice.

The government of the EMDPRT is said to be ‘shaking in it’s boots,’ according to a laughing government representative.

The government of the EDMPRT argues that the move to allow the president to stand for re-election is absolutely legal and is sanctioned by the constitutional court, the highest legal authority in the country.

The constitutional court ruled that he could run for a third term saying that all his previous terms did not count: the first term did not count because the inauguration happened on a public holiday, and so could not be considered binding. The second inauguration, happened on the annual Sheboshanko day, named after the African God of contradictory statements and confusion and that, as such, the fact that he took office on that day means he technically did not take office at all; His third term was deemed null and void because  he was sworn to oath by the chief justice  Booba Makossa Adjayi Brovi Nkulu Fourth also known as 'Tim' who since then has had extensive plastic surgery done on his person in a bid to turn himself into a female silverback gorilla and abandoned his wife and four children to live in the Congolese jungle and be his true self. He is thought to be leading a life free from responsibilities, his spendthrift wife ,and taxes. As such, the constitutional court argues that president Ping's third term since technically he was sworn in by a female silverback gorilla ,which is absurd, and no self -respecting government would be able to function after its leader was sworn in by a female silverback gorilla.

White America riots all across United States after chihuaha dies in police custody (Satire)

Mass protests have been organised across most major American cities as angry citizens from wealthy white suburban neighbourhoods fed-up with police brutality have taken to the streets after Pew Pew Pow Pow , a one year old Chihuahua and three–time winner of the prestigious ‘Most Photogenic Dog Award,’ at the Annual International Conneticut Dog Show, died in police custody after having suffered grievous wounds to his pride ,severe bruises to his ego,and intense embarrassment. 

Scenes in Sanderton ,America’s richest suburb, and hometown of Pew Pew Pow Pow(affectionately called PPPP), were particularly disturbing: angry bickering , and rampant passive aggressive behavior greeted riot police arriving on the scene. Visitors in Sanderton were shocked by the chaotic scenes unfolding in the town including frenetic,over the top scenes of violence, and meaningless conversations between actors of the community and members of the policeforce so much so that they were surprised to be told they were not in fact on the set of a new Michael bay movie.

In order to calm down tempers the National Guard airlifted free products from Saks Fifth Avenue as well as discount cards from luxury product retailers selling jaccuzzis and thousand dollar gold-encrusted tissue papers. Additionally,a caravan
blasting pre-recorded messages from fox news anchors giving vent to
outlandish conspiracy theories was seen around town, and drones playing recordings of a smooth and comforting voice counting money were deployed in
sanderton.All in an effort to diffuse tension.

Details are still hard to come by as of now, but it would seem that police officers spotted Pew Pew Pow Pow the late afternoon on the 7th^th of May walking about Sanderton without a collar. The policemen subsequently approached Pew Pew Pow Pow, and when
they did Pew Pew Pow Pow took flight.

What happened next is subject to much controversy.  According to some
accounts, Pew Pew Pow Pow was arrested and then fitted with a  pink
hello kitty mouthpiece and a matching Hello Kitty pink collar,before being hauled
unceremoniously into a police van. He was then called such names as
‘an earmuff with legs and a snout’, a ‘smaller species of boar’, and an
anorexic Ted Cruz, amongst other things. He was then forced to play with a ball of yarn
while ‘meowing’ sheepishly  after which the policemen indulged in  a
competitive game of “Beat the *$&% out of the canine,” for forty
–five minutes.

It is believed that the severe embarrassment of having had to imitate a cat, and the blow to his pride caused by having to wear pink  
were the main causes of death, although, according to the
disinterested ,not completely sober mortician who had checked the
body, a broken neck and fourteen
broken bones might have had a part to play in PPPP kicking the bucket too.

The accident is a stark reminder that dogs have not completely been integrated into American society yet. The death hearkens back the 1970’s the so called dark days of dog rights where beetroot flavoured dog foods still existed and where dogs were being Rodney king-ed into early graves by overreager police officers  with meaningful gleams in their eyes. One
may remember the case,most recently ,of Snuggles Le Wog , which
shocked America only about six and a half times more than the recent death of an unarmed black boy shot thirty times in the back for making a covert attempt to pick his nose.

 Snuggles Le Wog,a romantic german shepherd, died
in appaling circumstances, after leaping over a bush and attempting to get
‘awfully chummy’ with a police officer’s left boot. The dog was subsequently
‘beaten like a sheet of metal’, according to several eye witnesses, and
then made the main ingredient of an impromptu police department
barbecue, held that very afternoon, at police headquarters in Dallas.

  “Enough is enough.  This time the police force has clearly taken it way too far,” Said the mayor of Sanderton, emotions clearly welling up inside of him ,“When I think
that just yesterday , Pew Pew Pow Pow was at home, muddying
furniture and playing ‘scare the living daylight out of the neighbourhood tabby cats', and now we shall never see him chasing squirrels againin dog shows again all this makes me….. I am just so mad
right now!This is … just …. Unacceptable,” said Mayor Johnson before
breaking down into uncontrolled sobs.

Dog civil rights groups are up in paws over the death and have pointed to the growing
number of dog deaths at the hands police officers as a sign that the
dark days of dog rights are back. “This is exactly like the 1970’s.
Pew Pew Pow pow is just another Snuggles le wog-except prettier and with a higher hydrant count of course no offence to Snuggles. And that means we are effectively back to a time when dogs were treated in America almost as badly as black people, and Lord knows we have not suffered years of human ass-kissing, getting slippers, and playing ‘fetch’ , just to be on level pegging with black people. "
   "And yet the figures are clear: Dangerous interractions between Dogs
and  police members have risen by fifteen percent. Dogs everywhere find
themselves the subject of undue police scrutiny and 'random checks',incidentally often due to tip-offs from neighbourhood
cats, but that is a whole ‘nother issue we will not deal with here.
    "There are even places in America where there are fast food chains
serving dog meat. That is how bad it has gotten here in america.The Heavenly Dog's food chain for instance serves such
things as an 'Actual Hot Dog' and a 'Dog (second) Pound', 'Hushed Puppies'
,'Screwed Pooch' and 'Really Salty Dog'.They even serve you soft drinks
out of a dispenser in the shape of a fire hydrant at two dollars
ninety nine extra- which is a disgrace,” says Bingo Von Sniggy , rottweiler and president of the Dogs United Against Speceism alliance.

It is not immediately clear why Pew Pew Pow Pow , a famous, prize-winning dog ran away from the police , but preliminary investigations have led us to believe that he had initially run from cops because he had previously been questioned concerning an aggravated case of littering  involving an un-collected piece of dog refuse that was planted on a sidewalk on the corner of houghstuff street  which had caused an old man to slip and break his hip and a mother of two to suffer brain damage after catching a whiff of the offending piece of 'dog humus'.

Friends of Pew Pew Pow Pow, say he had nothing to do with the littering case, saying that he was targeted because of his reputation as a practical joker. "Pew Pew Pow Pow was very much a dog of the people. You see, even though he had won enough
silverware to sink a navy battleship, he would still come around and play ‘induce heart attacks on a poor tabby cat’ and ‘scare the living daylight out of a squirrel,  with us. He was a world class, sprinkler too. Could hit a fire hyrdrant from twelve
feet. Most of the other dogs like Pew Pew Pow Pow ,are so full of themselves. Their heads get so big ,they can’t fit through the dog flaps anymore.”

 
PPPP’s owner has told The Cat’s Pyjamas he would like to, “thank all the people who poured in their words of support and encouragements through Pookie Pow Pow’s twitter ,
and Instagram and facebook pages. And I would like to tell
DogsAreSoYummy4539  who was posting dog dish recipes from cambodia   to ‘#$%^&  @$#%^  %&*^’” Mr Smith ,who in memory of his dead
dog his decided to legally change his name to the Pew Pew Pow
Pow is currently undergoing therapy to get over his grief, 

The  First Dog, ‘Bo’,has weighed in on the situation,“As a dog and a member of the first family my heart goes out to Pew Pew Pow Pow and his family.”

Republican Candidates for the 2016 election have promised to make the issue
of reforming the police force  a main issue in the the election
campaign. Republican candidates eager to be shown empathizing with the local Bentley-owning community have been taken on ‘specially designed tours of
the Sanderton neighbourhood ,visiting fire hydrants where Pew Pew Pow Pow had
marked his territory and the alleys where he used to have fights with
some stray dogs. The tours finish with them sitting down with his
widow and talking about superior quality dog-jackets and the
importance of fur-lined carrier pet bags.

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