President of african country promises not to run for a sixteenth term

 

Djondo Faur bubuzzela Ignassio  Da Silvera Gbagbadji Odimba , the president of the recently renamed ‘Extraordinarily Democratic  and Meritocratic People’s Republic of Tungunikwa (EDMPRT), has promised not to run for a sixteenth term after citizens of Tungunikwa have organised violent protests to oppose his re-election bid for a fourth Term. Djondo Faur bubuzzela Ignassio  Da Silvera Gbagbadji Odimba ,affectionately  known as ‘Ping’, addressed his loyal supporters at a campaign rally to announce the news.

“I Djondo Faure Bubuzzela have listened to the demands of the people of Tungunikwa, and I understand them. As such, I promise not to seek a sixteenth term after I win the next thirteen elections.”

  

  Ping  has ruled the country since it’s independence in 1985 and is now ninety-eight. Opposition members claim that during this time he has stifled dissent, imprisoned opposition lawmakers and led a campaign of brutal murders and intimidation against his political rivals.  Ping has established a crony capitalist state where a handful of loyalists are rewarded with juicy business contracts and senior appointments, whilst opponents of Ping are persecuted.

  “I was told to be very careful, because the government had hired some hitmen to assassinate me,” says Pierre Eric Amouzou Ogonimya Adanlete Oyosu, affectionately known as ,’Boris’  an ex-prime minister in Ping’s third government, before becoming a vocal critic of the president. “I went home to find this man I had never seen before, claiming to be my new cook. My suspicions grew when ,looking for some washing detergent, I found my real cook’s corpse in the cupboard under the kitchen sink, a knife handle sticking out of his chest.  Needless to say I refused to take anything this cook offered me especially because he insisted on serving me the exact same dish of chicken and fried yam every day.  He had been pressuring me to eat this four day old meal, morning, lunch and dinner. Last Tuesday I came home late ,on purpose, and he must have forgotten he had poisoned the food because he apparently fed himself some fried yam." Mr. Boris's  neighbours rang the police when they heard a man give a grisly shout of “ D$&T  B #$&  $@#!!!!”Arriving on the scene, the policemen found the man dead on the kitchen floor looking as though he had been kissed by a dementor breaking a hundred year fast.

The international community has, as usual, ‘strongly condemned’ this blatant attempt to hold onto power, with the Americans expected to ‘roundly condemn,’ the move  as soon as their secretary of state has finished his dinner. Additionally, a smattering of European nations are expected to ‘express their deep concerns’ regarding the situation as soon as their foreign ministers finish watching the latest episode of the Voice.

The government of the EMDPRT is said to be ‘shaking in it’s boots,’ according to a laughing government representative.

The government of the EDMPRT argues that the move to allow the president to stand for re-election is absolutely legal and is sanctioned by the constitutional court, the highest legal authority in the country.

The constitutional court ruled that he could run for a third term saying that all his previous terms did not count: the first term did not count because the inauguration happened on a public holiday, and so could not be considered binding. The second inauguration, happened on the annual Sheboshanko day, named after the African God of contradictory statements and confusion and that, as such, the fact that he took office on that day means he technically did not take office at all; His third term was deemed null and void because  he was sworn to oath by the chief justice  Booba Makossa Adjayi Brovi Nkulu Fourth also known as 'Tim' who since then has had extensive plastic surgery done on his person in a bid to turn himself into a female silverback gorilla and abandoned his wife and four children to live in the Congolese jungle and be his true self. He is thought to be leading a life free from responsibilities, his spendthrift wife ,and taxes. As such, the constitutional court argues that president Ping's third term since technically he was sworn in by a female silverback gorilla ,which is absurd, and no self -respecting government would be able to function after its leader was sworn in by a female silverback gorilla.