Mass
protests have been organised across most major American cities as angry citizens from
wealthy white suburban neighbourhoods fed-up with police brutality have taken
to the streets after Pew Pew Pow Pow , a one year old Chihuahua and three–time winner of the prestigious ‘Most Photogenic Dog Award,’ at the Annual International Conneticut Dog Show, died in police
custody after having suffered grievous wounds to his pride ,severe bruises to his ego,and intense embarrassment.
Scenes in Sanderton ,America’s richest suburb, and hometown of Pew Pew Pow Pow(affectionately called PPPP), were particularly disturbing: angry bickering , and rampant passive aggressive behavior greeted riot police arriving on the scene. Visitors in Sanderton were shocked by the chaotic scenes unfolding in the town including frenetic,over the top scenes of violence, and meaningless conversations between actors of the community and members of the policeforce so much so that they were surprised to be told they were not in fact on the set of a new Michael bay movie.
In order to calm down tempers the National Guard airlifted free products from Saks Fifth Avenue as well as discount cards from luxury product retailers selling jaccuzzis and thousand dollar gold-encrusted tissue papers. Additionally,a caravan
blasting pre-recorded messages from fox news anchors giving vent to
outlandish conspiracy theories was seen around town, and drones playing recordings of a smooth and comforting voice counting money were deployed in
sanderton.All in an effort to diffuse tension.
Details are still hard to come by as of now, but it would seem that police officers spotted Pew Pew Pow Pow the late afternoon on the 7thth of May walking about Sanderton without a collar. The policemen subsequently approached Pew Pew Pow Pow, and when
they did Pew Pew Pow Pow took flight.
What happened next is subject to much controversy. According to some
accounts, Pew Pew Pow Pow was arrested and then fitted with a pink
hello kitty mouthpiece and a matching Hello Kitty pink collar,before being hauled
unceremoniously into a police van. He was then called such names as
‘an earmuff with legs and a snout’, a ‘smaller species of boar’, and an
anorexic Ted Cruz, amongst other things. He was then forced to play with a ball of yarn
while ‘meowing’ sheepishly after which the policemen indulged in a
competitive game of “Beat the *$&% out of the canine,” for forty
–five minutes.
It is believed that the severe embarrassment of having had to imitate a cat, and the blow to his pride caused by having to wear pink
were the main causes of death, although, according to the
disinterested ,not completely sober mortician who had checked the
body, a broken neck and fourteen
broken bones might have had a part to play in PPPP kicking the bucket too.
The accident is a stark reminder that dogs have not completely been integrated into American society yet. The death hearkens back the 1970’s the so called dark days of dog rights where beetroot flavoured dog foods still existed and where dogs were being Rodney king-ed into early graves by overreager police officers with meaningful gleams in their eyes. One
may remember the case,most recently ,of Snuggles Le Wog , which
shocked America only about six and a half times more than the recent death of an unarmed black boy shot thirty times in the back for making a covert attempt to pick his nose.
Scenes in Sanderton ,America’s richest suburb, and hometown of Pew Pew Pow Pow(affectionately called PPPP), were particularly disturbing: angry bickering , and rampant passive aggressive behavior greeted riot police arriving on the scene. Visitors in Sanderton were shocked by the chaotic scenes unfolding in the town including frenetic,over the top scenes of violence, and meaningless conversations between actors of the community and members of the policeforce so much so that they were surprised to be told they were not in fact on the set of a new Michael bay movie.
In order to calm down tempers the National Guard airlifted free products from Saks Fifth Avenue as well as discount cards from luxury product retailers selling jaccuzzis and thousand dollar gold-encrusted tissue papers. Additionally,a caravan
blasting pre-recorded messages from fox news anchors giving vent to
outlandish conspiracy theories was seen around town, and drones playing recordings of a smooth and comforting voice counting money were deployed in
sanderton.All in an effort to diffuse tension.
Details are still hard to come by as of now, but it would seem that police officers spotted Pew Pew Pow Pow the late afternoon on the 7thth of May walking about Sanderton without a collar. The policemen subsequently approached Pew Pew Pow Pow, and when
they did Pew Pew Pow Pow took flight.
What happened next is subject to much controversy. According to some
accounts, Pew Pew Pow Pow was arrested and then fitted with a pink
hello kitty mouthpiece and a matching Hello Kitty pink collar,before being hauled
unceremoniously into a police van. He was then called such names as
‘an earmuff with legs and a snout’, a ‘smaller species of boar’, and an
anorexic Ted Cruz, amongst other things. He was then forced to play with a ball of yarn
while ‘meowing’ sheepishly after which the policemen indulged in a
competitive game of “Beat the *$&% out of the canine,” for forty
–five minutes.
It is believed that the severe embarrassment of having had to imitate a cat, and the blow to his pride caused by having to wear pink
were the main causes of death, although, according to the
disinterested ,not completely sober mortician who had checked the
body, a broken neck and fourteen
broken bones might have had a part to play in PPPP kicking the bucket too.
The accident is a stark reminder that dogs have not completely been integrated into American society yet. The death hearkens back the 1970’s the so called dark days of dog rights where beetroot flavoured dog foods still existed and where dogs were being Rodney king-ed into early graves by overreager police officers with meaningful gleams in their eyes. One
may remember the case,most recently ,of Snuggles Le Wog , which
shocked America only about six and a half times more than the recent death of an unarmed black boy shot thirty times in the back for making a covert attempt to pick his nose.
Snuggles Le Wog,a romantic german shepherd, died
in appaling circumstances, after leaping over a bush and attempting to get
‘awfully chummy’ with a police officer’s left boot. The dog was subsequently
‘beaten like a sheet of metal’, according to several eye witnesses, and
then made the main ingredient of an impromptu police department
barbecue, held that very afternoon, at police headquarters in Dallas.
“Enough is enough. This time the police force has clearly taken it way too far,” Said the mayor of Sanderton, emotions clearly welling up inside of him ,“When I think
that just yesterday , Pew Pew Pow Pow was at home, muddying
furniture and playing ‘scare the living daylight out of the neighbourhood tabby cats', and now we shall never see him chasing squirrels againin dog shows again all this makes me….. I am just so mad
right now!This is … just …. Unacceptable,” said Mayor Johnson before
breaking down into uncontrolled sobs.
Dog civil rights groups are up in paws over the death and have pointed to the growing
number of dog deaths at the hands police officers as a sign that the
dark days of dog rights are back. “This is exactly like the 1970’s.
Pew Pew Pow pow is just another Snuggles le wog-except prettier and with a higher hydrant count of course no offence to Snuggles. And that means we are effectively back to a time when dogs were treated in America almost as badly as black people, and Lord knows we have not suffered years of human ass-kissing, getting slippers, and playing ‘fetch’ , just to be on level pegging with black people. "
"And yet the figures are clear: Dangerous interractions between Dogs
and police members have risen by fifteen percent. Dogs everywhere find
themselves the subject of undue police scrutiny and 'random checks',incidentally often due to tip-offs from neighbourhood
cats, but that is a whole ‘nother issue we will not deal with here.
"There are even places in America where there are fast food chains
serving dog meat. That is how bad it has gotten here in america.The Heavenly Dog's food chain for instance serves such
things as an 'Actual Hot Dog' and a 'Dog (second) Pound', 'Hushed Puppies'
,'Screwed Pooch' and 'Really Salty Dog'.They even serve you soft drinks
out of a dispenser in the shape of a fire hydrant at two dollars
ninety nine extra- which is a disgrace,” says Bingo Von Sniggy , rottweiler and president of the Dogs United Against Speceism alliance.
It is not immediately clear why Pew Pew Pow Pow , a famous, prize-winning dog ran away from the police , but preliminary investigations have led us to believe that he had initially run from cops because he had previously been questioned concerning an aggravated case of littering involving an un-collected piece of dog refuse that was planted on a sidewalk on the corner of houghstuff street which had caused an old man to slip and break his hip and a mother of two to suffer brain damage after catching a whiff of the offending piece of 'dog humus'.
Friends of Pew Pew Pow Pow, say he had nothing to do with the littering case, saying that he was targeted because of his reputation as a practical joker. "Pew Pew Pow Pow was very much a dog of the people. You see, even though he had won enough
silverware to sink a navy battleship, he would still come around and play ‘induce heart attacks on a poor tabby cat’ and ‘scare the living daylight out of a squirrel, with us. He was a world class, sprinkler too. Could hit a fire hyrdrant from twelve
feet. Most of the other dogs like Pew Pew Pow Pow ,are so full of themselves. Their heads get so big ,they can’t fit through the dog flaps anymore.”
in appaling circumstances, after leaping over a bush and attempting to get
‘awfully chummy’ with a police officer’s left boot. The dog was subsequently
‘beaten like a sheet of metal’, according to several eye witnesses, and
then made the main ingredient of an impromptu police department
barbecue, held that very afternoon, at police headquarters in Dallas.
“Enough is enough. This time the police force has clearly taken it way too far,” Said the mayor of Sanderton, emotions clearly welling up inside of him ,“When I think
that just yesterday , Pew Pew Pow Pow was at home, muddying
furniture and playing ‘scare the living daylight out of the neighbourhood tabby cats', and now we shall never see him chasing squirrels againin dog shows again all this makes me….. I am just so mad
right now!This is … just …. Unacceptable,” said Mayor Johnson before
breaking down into uncontrolled sobs.
Dog civil rights groups are up in paws over the death and have pointed to the growing
number of dog deaths at the hands police officers as a sign that the
dark days of dog rights are back. “This is exactly like the 1970’s.
Pew Pew Pow pow is just another Snuggles le wog-except prettier and with a higher hydrant count of course no offence to Snuggles. And that means we are effectively back to a time when dogs were treated in America almost as badly as black people, and Lord knows we have not suffered years of human ass-kissing, getting slippers, and playing ‘fetch’ , just to be on level pegging with black people. "
"And yet the figures are clear: Dangerous interractions between Dogs
and police members have risen by fifteen percent. Dogs everywhere find
themselves the subject of undue police scrutiny and 'random checks',incidentally often due to tip-offs from neighbourhood
cats, but that is a whole ‘nother issue we will not deal with here.
"There are even places in America where there are fast food chains
serving dog meat. That is how bad it has gotten here in america.The Heavenly Dog's food chain for instance serves such
things as an 'Actual Hot Dog' and a 'Dog (second) Pound', 'Hushed Puppies'
,'Screwed Pooch' and 'Really Salty Dog'.They even serve you soft drinks
out of a dispenser in the shape of a fire hydrant at two dollars
ninety nine extra- which is a disgrace,” says Bingo Von Sniggy , rottweiler and president of the Dogs United Against Speceism alliance.
It is not immediately clear why Pew Pew Pow Pow , a famous, prize-winning dog ran away from the police , but preliminary investigations have led us to believe that he had initially run from cops because he had previously been questioned concerning an aggravated case of littering involving an un-collected piece of dog refuse that was planted on a sidewalk on the corner of houghstuff street which had caused an old man to slip and break his hip and a mother of two to suffer brain damage after catching a whiff of the offending piece of 'dog humus'.
Friends of Pew Pew Pow Pow, say he had nothing to do with the littering case, saying that he was targeted because of his reputation as a practical joker. "Pew Pew Pow Pow was very much a dog of the people. You see, even though he had won enough
silverware to sink a navy battleship, he would still come around and play ‘induce heart attacks on a poor tabby cat’ and ‘scare the living daylight out of a squirrel, with us. He was a world class, sprinkler too. Could hit a fire hyrdrant from twelve
feet. Most of the other dogs like Pew Pew Pow Pow ,are so full of themselves. Their heads get so big ,they can’t fit through the dog flaps anymore.”
PPPP’s owner has told The Cat’s Pyjamas he would like to, “thank all the people who poured in their words of support and encouragements through Pookie Pow Pow’s twitter ,
and Instagram and facebook pages. And I would like to tell
DogsAreSoYummy4539 who was posting dog dish recipes from cambodia to ‘#$%^& @$#%^ %&*^’” Mr Smith ,who in memory of his dead
dog his decided to legally change his name to the Pew Pew Pow
Pow is currently undergoing therapy to get over his grief,
The First Dog, ‘Bo’,has weighed in on the situation,“As a dog and a member of the first family my heart goes out to Pew Pew Pow Pow and his family.”
Republican Candidates for the 2016 election have promised to make the issue
of reforming the police force a main issue in the the election
campaign. Republican candidates eager to be shown empathizing with the local Bentley-owning community have been taken on ‘specially designed tours of
the Sanderton neighbourhood ,visiting fire hydrants where Pew Pew Pow Pow had
marked his territory and the alleys where he used to have fights with
some stray dogs. The tours finish with them sitting down with his
widow and talking about superior quality dog-jackets and the
importance of fur-lined carrier pet bags.
.
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