4 Signs Your Girlfriend Is Trying To Kill You

4 Signs your Girlfriend is trying to kill you

Having just watched “Gone Girl,” and what I consider to be the most unsatisfying movie ending of all time , I’ve been thinking that crazy , homicidal women do exist . So here are some tips on identifying the tell-tale signs that GBH on your person is imminent. You're welcome.

 Signs that your chick is secretly trying to kill you:

  

1.     She laughs for an unusually long time everytime you crack a joke.

It is quite a common occurrence. You love cracking jokes so you’re always making jokes ,which  on scale of funny rates negative quite a lot, and so compensate by some face saving laughter after the punchline. But recently you notice that she has actually been laughing and you don’t know why, but it makes the hairs on your back stand on end. Maybe it’s because her laugh keeps overrunning your own laughter by a good fifteen seconds, before coming to an abrupt end ( a mad gleam in her eye, and a sinister chuckle may also be bundled in for good measure).   Alternatively, she may punctuate her laugh with an “Oh you’re so funny!” Dripping with enough sarcasm drown an adult hippo. If any of the previous sounds familiar, run.  

Female lions are known to indulge in this sort of behavior. They will begin a bout of  tremendous ass-kissing where she will  suck up to the alpha male lion with unnerving shamelessness , coaxing the alpha  lion into a sense of false security. This ritual usually precedes   the apparition of a vagrant male lion , always at least twice as large as the leader of the pack, and who happens to be surprisingly well-informed : he knows all about the alpha lion's badly healed left leg injury (gotten from a run in with a rhino) and his partial deafness on his left side how he would come to know all these secrets which only  the ladies in the alpha male lion's clan would know nobody knows but  'The witch snitched' has been carved on many a lion's graves.

 If she laughs at your joke she is not laughing at your joke, but at her own patience. She is laughing at how she has managed to put up for all these years with your sorry no-sense-of-humor-having-hide. And she is especially laughing at how in twenty-seven minutes and thirty-six seconds the sleeping drug she placed in your glass of kool-aid is going to start kicking in , and how a hundred and three hours after that (and thirty six knife thrusts and a thirteen hour flight later) she will be lounging on a beach somewhere in the carribean with her girls and laughing at your sorry jokes...

Another variant of this problematic is when you notice her laugh abruptly evolve. Her laugh which used to be so pretty and sexy has turned into a cacophony of sounds which sounds like a cross between  a gas explosion and a seal infected with joker laughing gas.

  

      2. You find yourself winning arguments and yet she’s the one with a Harvard degree.

Very common one. A very important point one and also one that is very easy to detect. Now everybody knows that a man embarking on a debate with a girl is entering a gun fight with a toothpick. She has way more brainpower than you have. And she is battle hardened with hours of elite training in those secret training camps where women all around the world learn to debate. 

   So for whatever reason you forget not to get involved in an argument and go ahead. some controversial issue crops up . You start off another argument and lay down your arguments in quick succession at the speed of light, because she could interrupt you at any moment, and finish. And she agrees with everything you said.

What she is doing here is the relationship equivalent of  a kamikaze paying for a parking space at a mall he is about to blow up.  She is doing pre-emptive penance for what she is about to do. It’s like this. She is basically thinking that since you aren’t going to be here long so you might as well have a few good memories. You should take the hint, and skedaddle on some stealthy-men-in-black-tights shit.  So if you find your batting average ,when it comes to winning arguments, suddenly spikes to major league , barry bond type, numbers over the past month , although you know for a fact you haven't gotten any smarter , then maybe it is time to invest in that safe house you were considering after you saw your wife and your step-mother at your wife’s birthday look at you ,whisper something conspiratorially, and then laugh for the ensuing thirty seconds while making a knife going along her throat.

       3. She ‘k’s you.

You are at work or are away on a trip , and for some reason you think of her. So you send her a heartfelt message , about how much you love her and how much you apologise for your past slights, and how she is the only one that matters to you , and so you send this three thousand word bad boy to her phone , and she replies a few moments later with a ‘k’.  That two week break from the relationship you were thinking of taking where you would take trip to the Maldives , on your own , and break off from everything for a while? Not a bad idea right now. Frequent ‘k’-ing is sign language most likely an attempt on your life has failed, and so as she waits for the next order of rat poison she cannot be bothered to get emotionally invested in you seen as you are technically a foot and a half in the grave already. Do yourself a favour and step into the nearest police office, sucker-punch the policeman at the desk and hope for anything between a 3 to a five year sentence behind bars so as to guarantee that you actually have five more years to live.

     

     4. She Corrects your Grammar.

 

She corrects you when you use made-up words like 'Irregardless' , or when you say 'You're' when what you actually wanted to use was the second person possession adjective 'your'.She does this even though you have known each other for two world cups and she used to say that your creative and sustained dismantling of english grammar was terribly sexy.

  In crazy she-dog speak what this means is this: she is correcting your grammar because she knows she is not going to have to put up with you for much longer anyways so she can stop the pretence and tell you things like it is. Until you have seen a woman in this state you have not yet understood the meaning of the word frankness-or self-doubt for that matter. If you want to know what she really thinks about your decision to quit your job in order to follow your passion and become a published author, this is the moment.

 

Image sources:

http://thoughtsappear.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/crazy-eyes.jpg

I