Patagonia penguins sent letter by Denmark warning them not to migrate there

A colony of Patagonia Penguins amassed on a beach in argentina were shocked to find letters from the Danish ministry of integration on telling them they would not be welcome in Denmark. The letters, stuck on the back of dolphins swimming around those areas, told Patagonia Penguins that though they were nice little creatures Denmark would rather they not try to emigrate there.  Should they cross 11,000 kms of sea and then hitchhike all the way to the Nordic countries the letter told the penguins that they should consider going to Sweden , or finland  instead, saying they were “much , much better, trust us.”

The Danish government has highlighted new policies , and mechanisms meant to discourage Patagonia penguins  from migrating there, such as the launch of a year long Patagonia Penguin hunting season and a free donut offered to anyone able to shoot down ten penguins. Potential penguin refugees are told it can take up to ten years for penguins to obtain their own rocks in Denmark and  Penguins are required to learn Danish amongst other things. Welfare benefits for penguins are also hard to come by and most of the money for housing has gone to Labradors. 

“We were properly miffed. We thought this sort of thing only happened to African thrushes,” said a patagonian penguin.

Another penguin mused,“Obviously we didn’t know where Denmark was but now that we are told we cant go there  anymore it makes us really sad . We must clearly have missed out on something major .”

Danish Government officials contacted explained that due the large flow of migratory cats , and American reality tv shows, assailing the county it was no longer in a position to welcome anymore penguins should they decide to start migrating there. The government is thought to be preparing a separate campaign aimed at Sierra Mackerels.

When asked about Denmark’s  efforts to stop them from becoming refugees a Sierra Mackerel from a shoal somewhere in the pacific replied via it’s twitter feed:

“From me to you, when last have you ever heard anyone say : oh I want to go to Denmark and live a full life and enjoy myself? I’ll tell you: Not never.”

According to some immigration experts, “ Denmark’s move might actually have the contrary effect. It seems as though by telling people ,who did not know it existed, not to go to it , it has sort of sparked the curiosity of a number of would be refugees who suddenly want to know what it is about this country  wondering why they are being dissuaded from travelling to a country they had never even heard about. In the end it sort of ends up being a tourism pitch. Sort of an “Oh I’m so great that I don’t want you to come here but I actually really want you to come” pitch. I know a group of Congolese Armadillo’s who have decided to chance it and make the trip. Some Chicken Turtles I know are also hoping to make the journey soon as they shake off this.”

“I thought Denmark was a type of donut to be honest, but now all I can think about is going to Denmark. I mean it must be quite important if it goes out of it’s way to introduce itself to me and then tell me I shouldn’t migrate there.” Says a  penguin who chose to remain anonymous because it had travel plans travelling plans..

Current world economic downturn thought to be caused by Ashley Maddison data dump

 

Economists argue that the current economical downturn may not have been caused by a slowdown of the Chinese economy as previously thought but, may in fact be due to the excessive number of divorce cases which have sprung about from the Ashley Maddison data dump.

  Indeed, it would seem that the disclosure of the names of members of Ashley Maddison, a website catering to married or people or men and women in a commited relationship who want to engage in extra-marital poom-pooming, has led to a spike in divorces worldwide and has had lawyers giggling like school children all the way to the bank and the global economy on its knees. 

It now seems as though the extent of the damage has been underestimated as the use of Ashley Maddison was a fixture of the daily lives of a large number of people for a very long time and the extent to which it was a part of popular culture was misunderstood.  In some African countries Ashley Maddison has more members than Facebook and in Brazil cheating on one’s partner is called pulling an ‘Ashlelihno’. Some recently discovered caves in Congo, thought to belong to the very first men, have revealed cave paintings which mention women and men leaving their partners on the pretense that they were going to see their friend A.M.. Anthropologists and scientists have confirmed this may well be the  initials of a precursor of Ashley Maddison. As a result the extent of the crisis has been underestimated.

According to economists from the University of Bododonk .The rate of divorces is affecting the world economy in palpable ways. 

“For one it is making the workforce less productive. The recently divorced individuals are despondent, distracted and unmotivated following their divorces. This has knock on effects on their concentration levels at work and will on aggregate lead to less production worldwide. 

Furthermore, the increased spending on lawyers and on divorce proceedings will be an unexpected one-time income shock for many of these individuals. People will find themselves forced to cut back on their consumption elsewhere in order to pay the exorbitant lawyer fees. As a result, there will be a reduced demand for goods -as we have been seeing worldwide- causing companies to lay off workers particularly in China and reduce production to cut down cost and which in turn has made people poorer.

Economists are warning that it could take time for the full effect of the Ashley Maddison data dump to fully manifest itself. This is because it often takes a while for couples to decide and then take action to divorce and in many places, the law imposes separation requirements which can last several years, so potentially there could be billions more cases of divorces arriving which will be sure to sink the world economy.

“We’re f*cked,” says an economist raising his hands in the air in resignation.