An inventor
in Lick Skillet, Tennesse and his five assistants were killed monday night
after a lie detector they had been testing exploded as the republican nominee
to the presidency spoke.
Professor
Benisan Adamah was a well known expert in the field of lie detection and had
been spending the bulk of his time working to develop the world’s first long
distance lie detector. It seemed he had finally achieved his goal with the L.G.T.H 4. S (Liars Go To Hell 4 Sho) new
generation, electricity powered lie detector , that could remotely detect lies from up to thirty
thousand kilometres away, map lies being said around the country in real time
using a heat map, and could yell “Bullsh$t!” in a southern Portuguese accent
whenever an individual was caught lying excessively.
Speaking to
reporters before his death, Professor Adamah spoke fondly of the possible
applications of the new L.G.T.H 4. S to such fields as law enforcement, marital
conflicts, barbershop conversations, poker games and Mexican standoffs. Professor
Adamah claimed that the idea to invent a lie detector had come to him because
of his experiences with his uncle Jeffrey. He recalled a time his uncle stole his
piggy bank on his birthday, denied taking it, and then led the search party
that went looking for it. “It didn’t happen once or even twice, so I thought as
a society we should find a way to catch out people like my uncle Jeffrey.”
Adamah
affectionately nicknamed the machine the ‘Cerebro’ of lies after the mutant
detector in the x-men series.
Mr. Adamah
had been hoping to use the presidential debate as a testing ground for the
L.GT.H.4.S.
Martin
Grumert, the sole survivor of the explosion, and one of Mr. Adamah’s
assistants, told the Cat’s Pyjamas what had happened.
“It was a
very sensitive machine, meant to be able to detect even slight exaggerations; we
set it up, and it basically went berserk anytime Trump opened his mouth. But then
we reached the segment about the invasion in Iraq and we realized it might be a
bit dangerous when caterpillars of light begin to form around the machine, but
before we could turn it off the device exploded. Next thing I knew, I had landed
in our ninety-six-year-old neighbor’s bathroom just as she was undressing. It
was very awkward, especially after
she locked the door, swallowed the key and said I had stay to keep her company
or she would call the police…”
It is
believed that at his peak form during the debate Trump’s lies achieved a
reading of 180 Lochtes which caused the lie detector to do like the 2015-2016 Golden
State Warriors NBA championship chances and disintegrate.
“A Lochte,
previously known as a ‘Simpson’, is the unit of measure for lies. To give some
perspective, a reading of two Lochtes is a ‘you -look- good (when they actually
don’t)’ sort of lie and a ten is a “swear-on-my-moms-there-are-weapons-of-mass-destruction-in-this-oil-rich-middle-eastern-country
(when there are in fact none)” sort of lie. Trump has been known to clock readings
of about 45 with ease,” says Tracy Ellison, an associate professor at the Nixon
school of Political Science and author of the bestseller “Meaky Mouse: An analysis of Meek
Mills and why he is the Ghandi of snitching”.
Mr. Adamah
and his assistants are unfortunately not the only victims of what turned out to
be an eventful night at Hofstra University, long island.
All around the country, there has been a spike in ER admissions after numerous viewers
country-wide suffered severe whiplash after being subjected head on to Donald Trump’s
lies.
"The strength of Donald Trump's lies is really unprecedented and has been known to cause whiplash and nausea in people with weak constitutions," said a non-descript doctor at one hospital.
Mr Adamah is
survived by his pet cat Pneumonia and a six year old Mammilaria cactus called
Sam Pewey–Simpson III.
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