Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Famous inventor dies after lie detector he manufactured explodes during presidential debate

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An inventor in Lick Skillet, Tennesse and his five assistants were killed monday night after a lie detector they had been testing exploded as the republican nominee to the presidency spoke.
Professor Benisan Adamah was a well known expert in the field of lie detection and had been spending the bulk of his time working to develop the world’s first long distance lie detector. It seemed he had finally achieved his goal with the  L.G.T.H 4. S (Liars Go To Hell 4 Sho) new generation, electricity powered lie detector , that could  remotely detect lies from up to thirty thousand kilometres away, map lies being said around the country in real time using a heat map, and could yell “Bullsh$t!” in a southern Portuguese accent whenever an individual was caught lying excessively.

Speaking to reporters before his death, Professor Adamah spoke fondly of the possible applications of the new L.G.T.H 4. S to such fields as law enforcement, marital conflicts, barbershop conversations, poker games and Mexican standoffs. Professor Adamah claimed that the idea to invent a lie detector had come to him because of his experiences with his uncle Jeffrey. He recalled a time his uncle stole his piggy bank on his birthday, denied taking it, and then led the search party that went looking for it. “It didn’t happen once or even twice, so I thought as a society we should find a way to catch out people like my uncle Jeffrey.” 

Adamah affectionately nicknamed the machine the ‘Cerebro’ of lies after the mutant detector in the x-men series.

Mr. Adamah had been hoping to use the presidential debate as a testing ground for the L.GT.H.4.S.
Martin Grumert, the sole survivor of the explosion, and one of Mr. Adamah’s assistants, told the Cat’s Pyjamas what had happened.

“It was a very sensitive machine, meant to be able to detect even slight exaggerations; we set it up, and it basically went berserk anytime Trump opened his mouth. But then we reached the segment about the invasion in Iraq and we realized it might be a bit dangerous when caterpillars of light begin to form around the machine, but before we could turn it off the device exploded. Next thing I knew, I had landed in our ninety-six-year-old neighbor’s bathroom just as she was undressing. It was very awkward, especially after she locked the door, swallowed the key and said I had stay to keep her company or she would call the police…”

It is believed that at his peak form during the debate Trump’s lies achieved a reading of 180 Lochtes which caused the lie detector to do like the 2015-2016 Golden State Warriors NBA championship chances and disintegrate.

“A Lochte, previously known as a ‘Simpson’, is the unit of measure for lies. To give some perspective, a reading of two Lochtes is a ‘you -look- good (when they actually don’t)’ sort of lie and a ten is a “swear-on-my-moms-there-are-weapons-of-mass-destruction-in-this-oil-rich-middle-eastern-country (when there are in fact none)” sort of lie. Trump has been known to clock readings of about 45 with ease,” says Tracy Ellison, an associate professor at the Nixon school of Political Science and author of the bestseller “Meaky Mouse: An analysis of Meek Mills and why he is the Ghandi of snitching”.

Mr. Adamah and his assistants are unfortunately not the only victims of what turned out to be an eventful night at Hofstra University, long island. 

All around the country, there has been a spike in ER admissions after numerous viewers country-wide suffered severe whiplash after being subjected head on to Donald Trump’s lies.

"The strength of Donald Trump's lies is really unprecedented and has been known to cause whiplash and nausea in people with weak constitutions," said a non-descript doctor at one hospital. 

Mr Adamah is survived by his pet cat Pneumonia and a six year old Mammilaria cactus called Sam Pewey–Simpson III.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Patagonia penguins sent letter by Denmark warning them not to migrate there


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A colony of Patagonia Penguins amassed on a beach in argentina were shocked to find letters from the Danish ministry of integration on telling them they would not be welcome in Denmark. The letters, stuck on the back of dolphins swimming around those areas, told Patagonia Penguins that though they were nice little creatures Denmark would rather they not try to emigrate there.  Should they cross 11,000 kms of sea and then hitchhike all the way to the Nordic countries the letter told the penguins that they should consider going to Sweden , or finland  instead, saying they were “much , much better, trust us.”

The Danish government has highlighted new policies , and mechanisms meant to discourage Patagonia penguins  from migrating there, such as the launch of a year long Patagonia Penguin hunting season and a free donut offered to anyone able to shoot down ten penguins. Potential penguin refugees are told it can take up to ten years for penguins to obtain their own rocks in Denmark and  Penguins are required to learn Danish amongst other things. Welfare benefits for penguins are also hard to come by and most of the money for housing has gone to Labradors. 

“We were properly miffed. We thought this sort of thing only happened to African thrushes,” said a patagonian penguin.

Another penguin mused,“Obviously we didn’t know where Denmark was but now that we are told we cant go there  anymore it makes us really sad . We must clearly have missed out on something major .”

Danish Government officials contacted explained that due the large flow of migratory cats , and American reality tv shows, assailing the county it was no longer in a position to welcome anymore penguins should they decide to start migrating there. The government is thought to be preparing a separate campaign aimed at Sierra Mackerels.

When asked about Denmark’s  efforts to stop them from becoming refugees a Sierra Mackerel from a shoal somewhere in the pacific replied via it’s twitter feed:

“From me to you, when last have you ever heard anyone say : oh I want to go to Denmark and live a full life and enjoy myself? I’ll tell you: Not never.”

According to some immigration experts, “ Denmark’s move might actually have the contrary effect. It seems as though by telling people ,who did not know it existed, not to go to it , it has sort of sparked the curiosity of a number of would be refugees who suddenly want to know what it is about this country  wondering why they are being dissuaded from travelling to a country they had never even heard about. In the end it sort of ends up being a tourism pitch. Sort of an “Oh I’m so great that I don’t want you to come here but I actually really want you to come” pitch. I know a group of Congolese Armadillo’s who have decided to chance it and make the trip. Some Chicken Turtles I know are also hoping to make the journey soon as they shake off this.”

“I thought Denmark was a type of donut to be honest, but now all I can think about is going to Denmark. I mean it must be quite important if it goes out of it’s way to introduce itself to me and then tell me I shouldn’t migrate there.” Says a  penguin who chose to remain anonymous because it had travel plans travelling plans..

Current world economic downturn thought to be caused by Ashley Maddison data dump




 Ashley Madison website
Economists argue that the current economical downturn may not have been caused by a slowdown of the Chinese economy as previously thought but, may in fact be due to the excessive number of divorce cases which have sprung about from the Ashley Maddison data dump.

  Indeed, it would seem that the disclosure of the names of members of Ashley Maddison, a website catering to married or people or men and women in a commited relationship who want to engage in extra-marital poom-pooming, has led to a spike in divorces worldwide and has had lawyers giggling like school children all the way to the bank and the global economy on its knees. 

It now seems as though the extent of the damage has been underestimated as the use of Ashley Maddison was a fixture of the daily lives of a large number of people for a very long time and the extent to which it was a part of popular culture was misunderstood.  In some African countries Ashley Maddison has more members than Facebook and in Brazil cheating on one’s partner is called pulling an ‘Ashlelihno’. Some recently discovered caves in Congo, thought to belong to the very first men, have revealed cave paintings which mention women and men leaving their partners on the pretense that they were going to see their friend A.M.. Anthropologists and scientists have confirmed this may well be the  initials of a precursor of Ashley Maddison. As a result the extent of the crisis has been underestimated.

According to economists from the University of Bododonk .The rate of divorces is affecting the world economy in palpable ways. 

“For one it is making the workforce less productive. The recently divorced individuals are despondent, distracted and unmotivated following their divorces. This has knock on effects on their concentration levels at work and will on aggregate lead to less production worldwide. 

Furthermore, the increased spending on lawyers and on divorce proceedings will be an unexpected one-time income shock for many of these individuals. People will find themselves forced to cut back on their consumption elsewhere in order to pay the exorbitant lawyer fees. As a result, there will be a reduced demand for goods -as we have been seeing worldwide- causing companies to lay off workers particularly in China and reduce production to cut down cost and which in turn has made people poorer.

Economists are warning that it could take time for the full effect of the Ashley Maddison data dump to fully manifest itself. This is because it often takes a while for couples to decide and then take action to divorce and in many places, the law imposes separation requirements which can last several years, so potentially there could be billions more cases of divorces arriving which will be sure to sink the world economy.

“We’re f*cked,” says an economist raising his hands in the air in resignation.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Eight signs you are a very ambitious, but disorganized individual (a DIDDER)



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Our current generation is often refered to as entitled , ambitious and optimistic. We are fascinated by success. We gobble up the rags and riches stories. We consult the forbes list , or the Sunday rich times list. We watch the hip hop videos. Symbols of success are everywhere, and we intimately believe that great things lie in our future.

Having big dreams is one thing, but elivering on our promise and reaching our goals is another. Sometimes we can be so engrossed in visualising our success that we forget to actually log in the hours of hard work and  devotion necessary to achieve it.

Here are some tell-tale signs you are a disorganized day-dreamer (a DIDDER). Because recognising you are a didder ,is the first step to actually doing something about it.


1.      You identify with who you want to be, never with who you are right now

One of the particularities of Didders is that they always  see themselves as an unfinished project. ;That means that they tend to never be satisfied with who they are and where they are , now.As a result, they have a high tolerance for failure.

For  Didders dreams in their heads  act as an anaesthetic for the inconveniences , the setbacks and the stagnation they face in their daily lives.

 The intimate belief that tomorrow will always be better than yesterday gives everyone hope but for the Didder it is taken to the extreme and can be self-destructive tendency. It insulates them from the helpful natural wake up calls that are criticism, regression, stagnation and a lack of concrete results. Didders will grow obsessed by something and can toil away at it for a very long time despite getting very little out of it , where most other people would cut their losses and move onto something else. They are so convinced that they will inevitably succeed at whatever they are doing that they  change course only when it is too late.

2.      You are terrible at keeping in touch

Didders have a low opinion of themselves because they consider themselves on a path to becoming who they truly want to be. They see themselves as a work in progress.They also tend to be very demanding of themselves.
The problem is that they then think this flawed perception of  themselves is shared by their friends. They have an exaggerated perception of how their friends will react to what their own setbacks. Unless they are doing something extraordinary then they would rather not get in touch with their friends.

They have a conception of friendship where they must necessarily be the shining successes that they are in their minds in order to justify their friendships. And when life does not go according to plan they begin to drop out of sight, especially when they are not in the same geographical zones.

A didder lets his friendships deteriorate thinking that once they are successful and rich and once their life is all sorted out  they will take the time to mend bridges and patch things up. ‘Their friends will understand’ , is how they would reason. But chances are they won’t.

There are many problems with this way of thinking.

The first is that success is not some clear threshold , or  singular event , easily distinguishable from all others leading up to it  where,once it is achieved, all your troubles magically melt away. For most people (barring lottery winners, sports players winning huge million dollar contracts or winning an election) it is an incremental process , a nuanced thing.
So where is the cut off point when do you decide , now I make time and work on my friendships?

  Secondly even when you do succeed, you often become busier. You have more responsabilities , less time , even more work to do….
Also , with added success comes new benchmarks and new  and bigger objectives which will require even more of your time. These new objectives will require more sacrifices. and effort in achieving them.  Founders and successful business menwho have made it big often then have to focus on staying at the top of their game , and making sure their enterprises have longevity. They have to think about their expansion plans, they have to think about their competition. If anything, they are even more worked now that they are successful.. Sothe idea that you will succeed and then see your problems melt away and have loads of time to spend making up with friends is unrealistic. Billionaires might have time on their hands to take a step bck and do what they want but for the vast majority of us there will be no such thing as a period of time when we have a lot of ffree time on our hands –unless we choose to make that time.

Friendships are about making time, and making an effort. You have to be able to juggle many things. How well you are able to multitask and juggle many things at once will determine in largepart how successful you will be.

3.      You are never enjoying the moment

 Didders will go to a prestigious event or go travelling or even go to a party and leave without taking any photos , making any contacts, or  recording any videos. A Didder tends to undervalue the experiences he is having now , because in his overly ambitious mind he believes he will experience even more exciting things in the future so why bother indulging in these lesser moments? That is a terrible way of going about things.

Although there is something to be said about people who,rather than truly enjoying  the moment, are too busy fumbling for a video camera or snapping away picks to truly experience the event as it is happening, , the opposite extreme is just as bad. All these technologies and gadgets that enable us to better capture the moment are here for a reason. Who does not love being able to watch over and over again clips of themselves having fun or pictures from their childhood? All these gadgets are here to help us capture our most memorable moments. It is important for us to realize how important they are and do our best to keep a record of them.

4.      You have problems prioritizing things

Didders confuse activity and effort with constructive work. They tend to do tasks which interest them, but which are of low priority rather than the important things which will help them advance. Didders will  often look back at the days and months and marvel at how little they have accomplished and how they have no concrete results to justify how they have spent their time. If this is you , then you are a  Didder.

5.      You are very proud

A Didder’s  first reaction to criticism is the human equivalent of an exotic bird puffing up it’s feathers. They bristle and feel affronted so that the lessons learnt from their setbacks go unused.

6.      You are terrible at mono-tasking

Sounds counter-intuitive but it is true.The problem is that Didders are often prone to procrastination and they daydream a lot. Give a Didder heaps of time and in the end you find that they  don’t accomplish much. The problem is that without cut off points and deadlines , a Didder’s  complacency and laziness has no consequence. Furthermore, Didders spend disprorportionate periods of time dreaming about success rather than working towards achieving that success.


7.      You have a dislike for starting small:

Didders  have big dreams , and optimistic plans. The problem? They don’t want to start small. They envision themselves entering the ladder of success somewhere high up when in fact you should think about starting a few rungs below. It is good to be ambitious but when your ambitions gets tangled with your pride and stops you from having the humility you need to  start small , pay your dues or even ask for favours then you have a problem. 

Didders want to everything to be perfect when they embark on something.They want their  manuscripts , their songs to be perfect if they are creatives or they want to wait until they have sufficient funds in order to start at a certain scale with a business idea. They want to start of industrially and build factories to market goods rather than starting at home and selling locally and then scaling up. Or maybe it is about having enough experience or professional success before they  approach someone they have identified as being able to advance their objectives or having enough qualifications , to apply for a job , or even better grades before they apply for a university or choose to transfer schools. Again, chances are there will never be a point They will be completely satisfied with what they have and what they are doing. So when you refuse to start small what is happening is that you will be indefinitely pushing back the moment when you start.

Furthermore, increased scale is not necessarily a guarantee of success. If anything it just means you are taking a riskier bet in the majority of cases.

Starting small , enables you to test the waters, to develop a feel for what works , and to adapt quickly your strategy in order to find success. This is  very valuable experience , which you are missing out on because your pride will not let you ‘stoop’ down to starting at a scale you find demeaning or launching something before it is absolutely ready.

Many of the great successes in business have come on the back of a company launching its product , letting it  face critical appraisal by the masses and then adapting its offerings based on the feedback. Zara’s fast fashion business model is predicated on it’s ability to quickly put things  it’s stores, and then ,based on consumer purchases and what sells well, determine what Pushto produce more of  , and what items it needs to make less of. It can turn around its products in response to market changes.

The same is true for most things: a business idea? A story? A novel? A product? All these things can benefit from being ‘put to the test early’. Because as smart as you are there are always things you can’t expect. Things you did not foresee. Or maybe simply things you overlooked because you were so sure of yourself. By starting small you are able to identify problems early and adapt in consequence! Hence the importance of interacting with our markets as soon as possible. You want to be an author? Well then create an online community publish your works on blogs. You want to be an app developer? Get your app out there so you can work on it , tweak it , perfect it , and get customer feedback which you can then use to improve your product. Want to start a business  and have an amazing business idea? Do market research. interact with your prospective customers and  your target market.

 10 Customer reviews are worth more than years of tweaking an idea inside the closed environment of your mind.Undoubtable you have your biases your considerations which might not necessarily reflect those of others. Which is why it is important to get the idea out of your head and test it out. After all It is the only audience that counts.



8.      You have an exaggerated perception of your skills and competences.

The fact of the matter is we all have slightly exaggerated perceptions of our skill levels  and competencies. Didders usually moreso than others.In a sense all these feel good media sites like elitedaily, lifehack and others, feed our supersized egos and strengthen our stubbornness and make us impervious to criticism.
  For Didders this is a real problem.  Hence it is important for Didders to get a sense of where they really are and what their actual skill level is; It is important they have humility to work their way up from where they are to where they need to be. Ask their friends for advice ,  and get outside of your head.





  Being a disorganized dreamer is not the end of the world, but it can breed a complacency which can be damaging to you and those around you. Recognising the problem is the first step.


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