Scientists observing the surface of pluto were bamboozled to discover , El Chapo , the notorious prisoner recently escaped from a high security prison in mexico, yelling at some Ice gremlin workers who were taking too much time sorting out a Nitrogen ice crystal shipment during a smuggling operation.
“It was him,” said a befuddled Nasa
researcher speaking on condition of anonymity because he occasionally eats Mexican food. “Well the igloo flying the mexican flag was the first sign. Then we saw him and thought he looked familiar so we checked with the mexican government and they said it was him. I
mean he had actually had the prison track
suit on with his prisoner number and all.”
Scientists were surprised to find the
criminal alive and well. It is thought he was using yeti mules to get his
shipments to Jupiter, has hired a
platoon of ice gremlins offering them long hours for piss poor pay and he has
set up an igloo construction company as a front through which he can launder
the money which he has gotten from trading minerals.
Reached using a specially made state of the art gadget
developed by Nasa called a transistor radio, El chapo was able to explain his
new foray into interstellar drugs.
He tells members of the Cat’s Pyjmas newspaper that he has
discovered a whole new set of drugs, a
"You see this?"He says holding up some
Nitrogen Ice Crystals.
You look at this sideways for long enough
and you get high.
Asked if there were any side effects to
consuming Nitrogen ice crystals El chapo replied,
“Well you die.”
Asked about a second item in his product
line he explained:
“You rub it across your forehead and you
will get the most extraordinary high you get tis side of cocaine. And then you
die.”
For a third product in his line of new
drugs he was more succinct:
“You die.”
This has not stopped the orders from coming
in. He has already and a number of
figures from key west African states are already open to funneling his ice
crystals into their countries if he can find a way to transport it unharmed all
the four billion miles from pluto to west Africa unhindered.
“It’s
amazing what you can get done without police,” says an elated El chapo. “I mean
the only thing out here that is an obstacle is my conscience.”
It would appear El Chapo has expansion
plans for his operations on Pluto including expansion of his Nitrogen ice
smuggling operation into Jupiter and Neptune and opening a signature line of
squalid night club on uranus.He also has plans for a tourist attraction on mars:a depiction of a line of Cocaine line made of bunched up ice crystals stacked two miles high and visible from space.
“Outer space is where it’s at. I thought I was
expanding our offerings when I was on earth but I wasn’t thinking big enough.”
According to El Chapo he arrived on Pluto by accident after a mistake by one of his assistants. “Things looked pretty grim in terms of getting
out of prison so we decided to do something radical and new and we entrusted the escaping to
this young american inventor who said he had invented a dimensional travel
portal- as a joke. Well turns out it worked. But rather than finding myself in a
five star resort where three billion in cash, three miss worlds and forty five
women were waiting for me, I ended up here on this s**t hole. I nearly threw a
fit. Dios
Mios. I was ready to Vencer a una pulgada de su vida that boy ASAP."
The government of mexico has begun
extradition proceedings for el chapo and FBI agents contacted have let it
be known that they have covertly sent an agent out in order to capture the
fugitive. They're expecting to benefit from an element of surprise , eighty
or so years from now.
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